I just pynch a tree in the face
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
