I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
