1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Randomize
