i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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