DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
