Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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