i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
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you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
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i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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