tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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