just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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