dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Randomize
