My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You made out with two different species that night
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize