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So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
