it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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