I think I won the penis lottery.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
