yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
