you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
