Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
You did what with his pubic hair?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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