My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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