remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
as a side note pls kill me
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