your parents love me but you hate me
people are starting to question the shark bite story
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
