I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
