Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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