Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
