i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize