Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
