We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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