I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
