my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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