My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
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The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
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He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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