as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
