I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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