I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The struggles of a small town man whore
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
