i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.