All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
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ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
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"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.