we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live