On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
