who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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