i already hear my dad disowning me
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
