theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
You pole danced in your parka.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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