You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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