When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
