Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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