i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I want a musical about memes.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
