oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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