Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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