I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
