Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
