people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
he puts the penis in happiness.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
