im six kinds of drunk right now
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
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I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
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I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister