dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
