Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
