No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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