You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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