Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
