i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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