Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
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his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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