mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
