It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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