hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
