You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
