i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
